I realized that somewhere amidst the grad school applications, internships, and endless homework, I completely lost myself. I let myself get sucked into the idea of what was expected of me instead of what it was I wanted for myself. That's extremely unlike me, but then again, I feel like I haven't really been myself in quite awhile.

I forgot what it was like to be excited, I mean really excited about life. I was going through the motions, but I wasn't really happy. I wasn't exactly sad, but somwhere in the past year or so, I forgot how to enjoy life.

I forgot what it was like to believe in something so passionately that it consumes you. To be so excited about something that you think about it all the time. To express myself through literature and sing like I'm about to lose my voice. To eagerly anticipate a new album, or get lost in a record store rummaging through stacks and stacks of vinyl, and how thrilling it is to find a treasure amidst the masses.

It's times like these that make me miss Michelle the most. She always always always gets me. She made it okay for me to be myself in high school, because I knew that no matter how off the wall I might sound, she would always love me and always encourage my thoughts and creativity. She saw so much in me that I couldn't see in myself, and gave me the courage to come into my own. She was always down for a trip to Elicott City to walk the brick streets in search of random trinkets in the antique shops. We'd go to Chinatown for lunch religiously and walk around with our cameras and take pictures of all the life downtown. We went to protests, and scrapbooked, and went on picnics, and went thrifting and antiquing, and had marathons of What Not to Wear and ANTM, and had heart-to-hearts in the girls' bathroom and we were just...beyond best friends. I don't even know if there is a word to describe how close we were. It was like falling in love, but platonic? hahah I'm not sure if that even makes sense, but she just got me, and I got her, in every possible way. We bickered, and had our falling outs, but we were always there for each other despite everything.

Michelle always believed in me. She believed that I was destined for greatness, if I would just allow myself to have it. I get it now, why she was so reluctant when I said that I hoped to get engaged in the next year. I understand how she could think that it would hold me back, or how it would seem that I've given up on my dreams in favor of a relationship. I haven't, of course, but on the outside I can see how it would look that way. Sure, a four year relationship does alter your dreams a little, but I still want the same things in life that I've always wanted. I just now have to factor in Andrew, when in high school I doubted I would ever get married, let alone so young. That being said, I'm beyond thankful that I have Andrew in my life. Sure, my dreams have altered a little bit, but he has added so much more to my life than he has changed. He makes all my victories sweeter, and all my failings hurt just a little less. I know that it's hard for Michelle to understand that, because she hasn't found that yet with a boy, but despite her reluctance, she still talks about my future wedding with me, and giggles excitedly as we talk about the details. That's the mark of a true friend. Even though she may not agree with my choices, she gives her advice and then respects my choice, and is always always always by my side.

The bottom line is that she encourages me in all of my endeavors, and believes in me with everything she has. She was always in my corner, and always will be. She helped me grow into my own person, and figure out who I wanted to be in life. And I really liked the person that I was. Somewhere along the line, I lost that person, and I want her back. That's what this next year is for.

Was I disappointed that I didn't get into a doctoral program? Of course, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that taking a year off is exactly what I need. I need to stop worrying so much about who everyone else wants me to be, and figure out who I want to be, and I need to regain the confidence to tell everyone else to fuck off if they don't agree.

I've made it a goal over the past couple of days to go out and do one thing every day that makes me smile:

• I lovelovelove vinyl, and I miss my record collection. I can't for the life of me figure out why I never decided to bring it down here. Today, I went out and bought three records to add to that collection. I was in heaven.
• I love music that reaches out and ignites my soul. I went out and looked for a CD yesterday, and found it/purchased it today. I haven't bought an actual CD in ages, with iTunes being so convenient. I forgot how much I love cover art.
• I love England, and I've wanted to visit it since my mom read me The Secret Garden when I was 5. I planned a trip there on Monday. I don't know if we'll be able to afford it this year, but I'm definitely planning on saving up as much as I can.
• I love teacups. I also love crafts. I bought a teacup yesterday that I'm going to paint.
• I love tea. I'm planning on drinking a cup every day out of my funky new teacup.
• I love walking to class. I love walking around the city in general. I'm going to work out something with my work schedule that will allow me to have the time to walk home every day so I don't have to drive anymore.
• I love living in a clean house. I'm going to try and keep things tidy and clean as much as possible, and not let things look like crap anymore.
• I love singing. I've been singing a lot over the past couple of days, and I'm not going to let that stop again.
• I love the acoustic guitar. I've wanted to learn how to play the guitar for ages, and I pick it up every now and again, but I never have time to be serious about it. I bought a book of guitar chords and scales today, and I'm going to give it a real effort this time.
• I love fresh vegetables. I tried to have a salad today but Five Loaves was out of mixed greens (?). I'm going to eat vegetables and salad as much as possible this summer.
• I love love. I'm going to make sure I never let Andrew forget how much I love him, or how thankful I am to have him in my life.
• I love life. I'm going to make sure I never forget that again.

Writing all that out has put a big smile on my face . It's been quite an uplifting couple of days, and I'm going to do my best to make sure that things stay that way.

Hahahaha I love Mike Rowe. It's amazing to finally have nothing to do, no homework, no studying, nothing. I can just kick back and watch Dirty Jobs and laugh at Mike Rowe's extreme cynicism. Love love love.

Yesterday SUCKED. But you know what? I'll be okay.

Where there's life, there's hope. We'll figure something out. We always do.

I LOVE when I get to talk to Michelle. God, I miss her SO MUCH sometimes. We definitely have our moments, and we can fight like the best of them, but at the end of the day I'll always just adore her, and I know she feels the same way about me. I'm SO happy to hear that she is happy. She deserves it.

I love being able to laugh with her about ridiculous wedding colors and talking about where we'll go shopping for my wedding dress. Our lives are going to change soon, and even if we don't get married for a couple of years, we're still going to be graduating college and starting a new chapter in our lives. We'll be either in DC or Alabama, and she'll be who knows where haha. I don't think she knows yet, but wherever she ends up, my bet is that it will be far away from wherever I am. That's just usually the way things work out, unfortunately.

And I'm so happy that Cathy is happy, too. It looks like things are really working out between her and Zack, and I could definitely see them together for a really long time.

For now, it looks like everyone I love is doing well. Even if my grad school journey isn't going exactly the way I had hoped, I really couldn't ask for much more. All I've ever wanted is for the people around me to be happy and doing well. If that's happening, then life is good.

As I get closer and closer to graduation, I can't help but think back on how I got here, and what has made me the person that I am today.

I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that the one person who shas haped my life more than anyone else is my sister. It's so funny to grow up as the oldest child, to have someone shadowing your every move, hanging onto your every word. As a child, she could annoy the hell out of me, but she could also make me feel like a rockstar, because I knew that I was her hero. Having someone look up to you like that really shapes who you are as a person. You can either recognize that you're their role model and try to set a good example for them, or you can ignore it and do whatever you want. I think I went through stages of both growing up. Most of the time I tried to set a good example for her, but I'm also totally aware that I'm FAR from perfect, and I've definitely had my share of selfish moments. But when I talk to her now, I know that I did a good job. She makes sure I know, and I love her for it. I can't believe that she's 19 years old, and I'm about to be 21. When did we grow up?

I remember as kids we used to be attached at the hip. We never had a shortage of things to do, even if we did have a shortage of money. Our imaginations were endless, and whenever we were bored, we just needed a blanket to use as a "magic carpet" and suddenly we were flying into a world of endless possibilities. She was always willing to be my partner in crime, and has consistently been the one person I know I can turn to when it feels like I can't talk to anyone else, and I know that I'm that person for her as well.

I may sometimes say that we had a rough childhood, and in many ways we did. But despite all of that, it was a happy childhood. We had each other underneath all the chaos, and that was all we needed.

I remember when I was eleven or twelve, and she was nine or ten, Harry Potter had just become huge, and we had jumped on the bandwagon as well, devouring the books hungrily. I think only the first two books were out at that point, or maybe it was only the first one, I don't remember, but I remember reading them in awe at this incredible world that was so intricately created. It was magical, to be quite cliche about it. I remember my sister asking me one day as we were talking about the books whether or not I thought that it could, maybe, possibly, somehow, be real. She looked at me with such hopeful innocence that I couldn't tell her no, that no matter how vivid a book may be, we were stuck in our reality only with dreams of escaping. Instead, I told her to believe. Believe that maybe, even if she didn't end up getting a letter from Hogwarts on her eleventh birthday, that magic does exist somewhere in the world. That maybe if we dig deep enough, we all have some magic inside of us.

As I've grown up, and Harry Potter has turned into nothing less than a phenomenon, I think back upon that moment every now and again and realize that, in a way, I was right. Sure, we wanted that letter from Hogwarts, but even though it never came, that didn't mean that magic doesn't exist. I see magic around me all the time, walking down the street, at work, in class, everywhere. We are the magic.